It has been barely 2 weeks since I returned from my 15-day trip to Vietnam and Japan, but the memories have already faded into a distant dark. As much as I want so much to cling on to the fun memories, I can't. They are like loose sand slipping through my finger gaps. A little every day.

Even if I do, they are merely lifeless images flashed in my mind, of a reality I once had.

And no, I won't be annoying to say that I need another holiday. But I certainly did not expect myself to feel so suffocated back in Singapore, so quickly. It seems that my regular life has welcomed me with a huge bear hug, of which I am unable to shrug it off. A new meaning to the word "unbearable", I see.

Having had so much time on the road/air traveling, it gave my mind a chance to finally break free and wander on its own, while my physical body was being strapped. Trust it to wander to the most obscure places, providing me insights to things I was previously blinded to.

It must have jumped into a pond too, and gotten a good wash. Cold, I know. =P

I love thinking deep thoughts, because it makes me feel intelligent knowing very few people have actually thought the same thoughts as me. It is like venturing into a land where no foot has treaded on before. A thought discovery. :)

Then again, who actually have the luxury to think deep thoughts, on an average day? Let alone, discuss about them with a friend? I imagine the conversation to come to a silent end, not the awkward kind, but one where both parties stop to mull over and still can't find an answer/conclusion at the end of it. :)

A perfect kind of convo on a date. Sure score. :D

Sorry I digressed, yes I mentioned feeling suffocated. On an average day, people don't actually think a lot. I think. Aren't we merely going through life, being carried by the waves of routines in a day's work? Like finger memory on a keyboard, at certain times we can afford to let our mind drift, with our fingers still doing what they have been conditioned to do over time.

Coming back to Singapore, and particularly back to work, is like putting a cap over my mind. A mental restraint. For the same old Singaporean (adjective, not noun) reasons all over again.

>.<

 

I've been reading a lot recently, and for a change, no more thriller/mystery (think Dan Brown, Steig Larsson). Making a revolutionary switch to lighter casual reads.

2012 reads:
1) Dan Brown - The Lost Symbol
2) Jean Kwok - Girl in Translation
3) Andrea Busfield - Born Under A Million Shadows
4) Jodi Picoult - House Rules
5) Mark Haddon - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

Current read:
Khaled Hosseini - A Thousand Splendid Suns

I love how a book could paint a picture with a thousand words, literally. If you think about it, when we read, we are actually attempting to imagine someone else's imagination. We enter into a different realm altogether, being transported into a different place of a different time. We become creators of the scenes, the faces of the characters, the sounds of their voices.

A novel then becomes a mental movie for only one, and it thrills me to think that the same book could be viewed in so many ways.

If there are 2 things I think I'm really good at...
It is
1) Self-entertainment
2) Minesweeper (Expert Level: 97s fastest. BEAT ME!!! :D)

 

Silence Is Golden

 

I hate being forced to speak more than I intend to.

Why do I need to make small talks for the sake of keeping the so-called atmosphere cool, when you are the one who is uncomfortable with the silence? No, I don't have an issue with silence. In fact, I love it. Asking me to talk more is like me asking you to talk less. Now, how do you feel?

When I have obviously finished speaking, be it a single word or a paragraph, it simply means I have nothing else to add. If you insist to squeeze more words out of me, be assured, they will be empty words. Words I speak to satisfy your so-called inquisitiveness, and for my own sake just so you would stop asking.

It is an outright intrusion to my mental privacy. That is as rude as opening my cupboard, checking up my clothes.

And just because a person talks more, it does not make him/her any more friendly or approachable than a quiet person. In fact, the mind of a quiet person usually impresses me more than a noisy one. Yes, noisy is an apt word to use. Words any more than I want/need to hear, become meaningless sounds a.k.a noise.

Little wonder 2-4am is my favouritest time of the day. I would stay up just to enjoy the silence. And let my thoughts wander, at times into the deep... And at other times into the dark.

There is a reason why music contains many rests, pauses and even silence. They leave us with a sense of suspense, of anticipation and time to internalise and reflect, and sometimes, even for the purpose of enjoying the atmosphere the music has worked to achieve. They are as important as the notes which make up the melody.

Without them, the so-called music becomes a chant. Which is how some people sound like to me. Just saying.

Angst.

 

The good: I passed my piano exam. Done with Grade 8.

The bad: I'm completely lost now. Torn. As always.

I guess I have been living in denial for a long time. Now that I'm at a crossroad, it is perhaps time to face the music. Literally.

I need a new direction. A new high.

~~~

Plan A: Continue with piano diploma. I have 2 teachers in mind now.

Plan B: Finish Grade 8 theory by this Nov with my current teacher. Meaning 6 months without practical. I can't afford the time to do both.

Plan C: Stop piano and focus on cello. But I can't bear to... Although that is very much a 'practical' thing to do since I perform on it more than the piano.

Plan D: Something about work... Something about school. Some thing of a deep desire of which I am too big a coward to realise it.

~~~

It seems like I have a lot to think about. A lot of people to talk to.

And so I shall continue to live in denial now and think about it over my 16 days out of Singapore next month.

Tempo: Accelerando

Have been away from the music scene for 2 months, since my last concert in December. As much as I had wanted the best of both worlds, I realised I could not. At least not when I was still threading on an unfamiliar ground, absorbing an astronomical amount of knowledge... And whatnot... Then. :)

And so, I've been immensely consumed by work recently, and been desperately slotting in available hours for piano prac.

                             

Me on Steph's Kawai upright grand. :D

Steph and her mum have very graciously opened their house for me to practise at night. Appreciate it a lot. :)) One more week to my exam and I can finally free my mind of it. I'd then probably continue with music theory and catch up on my cello while waiting for the result.

Plan to return to the music scene end March if  The Roster allows. I miss rehearsals a lot.

It is a complicated love tangle between work, piano, cello and, me.  I am constantly rearranging my priorities among them, as it is impossible to give equal amount of devotion to all. >.<

And now I wonder how people could even handle an extramarital affair.

 

When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too...
Is when I fall in love with you.

~~~

Beautiful lyrics, my sentiments exactly! :)

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

A Silly Worm

 

It has been adrenaline-filled days of anticipation, self-defense, challenges, relentless determination and breakthroughs.

For too long, I have felt like a worm burrowed deep in the after-rain mud. Trapped in my own tiny sphere of bubble, too introverted to face the bustling world above. Being out in the open, even for a while, means having the possibility of getting stomped and crushed.

Until recently, I decided it is perhaps time to screw myself up. Literally. I could feel the resistance of gravity anchoring me down. But this time, it can't bring me down anymore. I'm determined to break free. And I will. :)

~~~

Last night was almost another ordinary night, lying on the bed, in my best effort to shield off spontaneous arrows of thoughts shot in random directions all over my cranium. I swear my mind has a mind of its own.

To entertain myself while my mind was doing its own stunts, I turned on my iPod and put this song on a repeat mode.  It's my favourite Chinese worship song and it touches the soft spot in my heart all the time.

However, last night, a phrase in that song hit me really hard and pierced through that soft spot right into my heart.

"主耶穌今天我為你活" - Jesus, I'm living for You today.

This is a very common sentence, people talk and sing about it all the time. Honestly, it was only until last night that it had finally made sense to me.

*Censored a large chunk of words and saved them in draft instead*

The moment I heard it, I was brought back to that fateful day, a few months back, when I had wished I was dead... It was scary because it had felt so real.

I could not stopped crying the moment I finally understood that sentence last night. A reminder to myself, in times when it seems like I have nothing I want to live for, I can still live for God. Funny how God teaches.

~~~

Anyway today! I finally had my first piano recital, to an audience of 20-odd fellow schoolmates at NUH. That was the most courageous thing I've done with the piano to date. It was almost crazy. :)

And this is how a nurse would say it -

I BLOODY DID IT.

 

:D